mind over blather

where inescapable facts meet unavoidable conclusions

Archive for the ‘Yucks and Giggles’ Category

another idea about the thing

Just when you thought everything was settled, along comes this.

Much better than one of the alternative theories I favored when the Bibliothumparians proposed to add  Unintelligible Design to the local science curriculum (since, after all, evolution, like gravitation, is just a theory).

Speaking from the audience in an auditorium reeking with gleeful anticipation of the End of Daze, I suggested that there should be many alternatives to which students should be exposed since, Praise Bob,  we all believe in free markets . . . and the free market of ideas counts as one of them.

And with that introduction, I suggested the Theory of Transportation, which was premised on the the idea that the universe had been delivered to the wrong address as a result of a cosmic bookkeeping error and had, further, been damaged en route.

Another audience member (I later found out that he was a flak for Popeil Products) suggested the inclusion of Silly String Theory in the physics curriculum – and then spent fifteen minutes deriding the Theory of Transportation using one of Zeno’s Paradoxes to demonstrate that transportation was impossible.

But becoming a Pastafarian certainly has great appeal – especially around dinner time.

So, may His Noodly Appendage touch you soon.

Ramen!

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Written by unreal2r

October 3, 2009 at 8:55 PM

glimmer of dopes

Call me a sentimentalist, but I get increasingly partial to the idea of a world without the UN towards the end of September every year.

The General Assembly is the international relations equivalent of the Mutter Museum (located at the College of Physicians in Philadelphia) – with displays by Ghadaffi-Duck, Ahmadimwitjihad, and the other denizens of the Turd World – a veritable freak show of geopolitical disease and deformity.

And a terrible waste of good real estate, too!

On a related note, there’s been talk over the years of finding a permanent home for the Olympics.  Among many meritorious arguments, this would greatly simplify the development and testing of performance enhancing drugs.  No need to build new and expensive lab facilities every four years.  With all of the test subjects in the same place, performing under the (relatively speaking) same conditions, the chemists will have a solid baseline and will be able to track their progress more easily.  And with the emerging addition of genetic modification, the one minute mile will soon be in reach.

Combining the two would be a real stroke of international genius.  Having the UN nestled among the temples on Olympos would certainly harmonize with the godlike qualities often displayed by the leaders of its member states.  And those mentally limp and morally flaccid dweebs would certainly benefit from the development of drugs to enhance the performance of the state of their members.

Written by unreal2r

September 25, 2009 at 11:44 AM

clash of the eliterati

Poe’s Law:

Without a winking smiley or other blatant display of humor, it is impossible to create a parody of Fundamentalism that SOMEONE won’t mistake for the real thing.

And so it goes.  A few thousand ersatz conservative vaporheads gather in DC, only to find themselves as the next laugh line on Letterman and the illustration in Wiki under “Fuqtard”.  Not only were they the joke, but the joke was on them, too.  Another exercise in useful idiocy.

Oh and then there’s the denial by the deniers who tried to deny that they denied any part of the denial . . . a further adventure in the anals of the Anti Science Society (ASS), the members of which must be found to be contaminated with – or carriers of – Anti Science Syndrome which, according to Joe Romm, can be diagnosed in the following way:

If you suspect someone of ASS, look for the repeated use of the following phrases:

  • Medieval Warm Period
  • Hockey Stick
  • Michael Mann
  • The climate is always changing
  • Alarmist
  • Hoax
  • Temperature rises precede rises in carbon dioxide
  • Pacific Decadal Oscillation
  • Water vapor
  • Sunspots
  • Cosmic rays
  • Danish physicist Henrik Svensmark
  • Ice Age was predicted in the 1970s
  • Global cooling

Individually, some of these words and phrases are quite useful and indeed are commonly used by both scientists and non-scientists who are not anti-science. But the use of more than half of these in a single speech or article is pretty much a definitive diagnosis of ASS.

When someone repeats virtually all of those phrases, along with multiple references to Al Gore, they are wholly a victim of ASS — in scientific circles they are referred to as ASS-wholes.

Romm, gentleman that he is, neglected to mention that poking fun at ASS-wholes is known as “ASS-play”.

Some of you already know that.  But a few may need to take Yoga lessons from my friend cutshot so that you can assume the same anatomically impossible positions he’s so deftly mastered.

Written by unreal2r

September 15, 2009 at 11:08 PM

we have a whiner!

It’s taken much less time than I thought it would, but our first S-F-B Award* winner has emerged!

cutshot@sbcglobal.net writes:

Well, unreal2r, how’s the view, now that you have your head where it belongs? I’ve always suspected that was the case with you liberal morons!

Thirty minutes later (obviously suffering from a terminal case of bloviator’s remorse – or precocious senility) he posts:

Well, unreal2r, how’s the view, now that you have your head where it belongs? I can see why you have such a myopic view of politics. It must be dark in there!

Good News/Bad News, cutshot . . .

Bad News: I’ve got your IP address.

Good News:  Nurse Ratchet will be around soon with your meds and a fresh Depend (clearly, that’s the closest you get to the deep end of things).

*Shit-For-Brains

Written by unreal2r

September 15, 2009 at 3:45 PM

exposed: the icing on the (frozen) cake

It’s no longer necessary to dig around for hard-to-find facts and theories to explain how tenured socialist academicians have taken over all of science.  These guys blow the cover off the whole, vast, left-wing conspiracy aimed at redistributing the wealth of the west to sub-Saharan Africa, re-programming the minds of our youth, and enslaving the white race:

http://denialdepot.blogspot.com/2009/09/arctic-sea-ice-staggering-growth.html

Be sure to read the comments – especially the ones that focus on the real causes of climate heating – like “aliens creating large amounts of heat by manipulating the local cosmic plasma fluxes“.

The truth is out there . . . in Area 51!

Written by unreal2r

September 15, 2009 at 12:00 PM

it’s only a “theory”

After seeing some of the photos of Glenn Beck’s “Million Airhead March” on Washington, I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised to learn that a British filmmaker was having a problem finding a US distributor for a new title about the life of Charles Darwin.  Somebody should tell the luftmenschen at Faux News that gravitation is only a theory, too . . . before they all float rapturously away . . . Then again, there’s this aptly named release that seems to have made it through the censors:  The Age of Stupid.  Only one night.  A veritable Woodstock for the intellectually active.

Written by unreal2r

September 13, 2009 at 2:29 PM

more proof that the universe is a botched job

Somebody turned off the Gulf Stream.

Many scientists are puzzled by this.  A few are even alarmed.  But it’s pretty clear what’s really going on: Loki finally got around to seeing The Day After Tomorrow.

It could get worse.  If he ever gets a digital converter and sees a rerun of Supervolcano, the National Park Service is going to have a lot of ‘splainin’ to do.

And then there’s that potential problem with the earth’s polarity . . .

If you see Hubble photos of the Aurora Borealis spelling “TILT” in strobing letters, fasten your seat belt . . .

Written by unreal2r

September 12, 2009 at 10:50 PM